Rümsön Häsh Toughens Image With Umlauts
RUMSON, NJ 10-Sep-03 —In a move designed to make the Rumson Hash seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Co-founder Gil Jackson is changing the running club’s name to the Rümsön Häsh. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the Rümsön Häsh is not to be messed with," said Mr. Jackson. An upcoming design of a Rumson sleeveless T-shirt will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new club anthem is also in the works, to be written by composer B.B. Reed (former lead singer of the legendary Heavy Metal band Elephant Dick and the Maple Syrup Moon Shiners) and tentatively titled "Howl of the She-Demon."

Mother's Day Gift Way Better Than Father's Day Gift
WESTFIELD, NJ— June 23, 2003 For the seventh year in a row, the Father's Day gift that R.E. Wrangler, 40, received from his children last Sunday was way lousier than the Mother's Day gift his wife received five weeks earlier. "Wow, thanks, kids, they're great," Wrangler said, as he unwrapped a $9 pair of padded knee socks. "These should really keep me warm." The gift, which stood in sharp contrast to the $85 day-spa gift certificate the children lovingly gave their mother on May 11, was presented without a card.

Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever
MONTREAL, CANADA— May 30, 2003 Canadian Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Souris Hybride, the best scientist ever. "My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering Canadian bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process," the awesome Dr. Hybride said. "What's more, the bacon's positive effects are enhanced when combined with beer drinking and/or cigar smoking." In 1997, Dr. Hybride, a rat genetics specialists, was awarded nine Canadian Merit Awards for discovering that generations of consistently white laboratory mice was no coincidence.

Despite Claims, Long Story Not Made Short
SUMMIT, NJ—Contrary to his pre-account vow, area resident Dog E. Style's long story of how a series of cashier foul-ups at the Liquor Warehouse store Tuesday made him 25 minutes late for a dental appointment was not made short. "So then, it turns out the stupid woman forgot to ring in my Savers Club discount," Dog E. told friend Gloria Conlon nine minutes into the non-abbreviated tale. The story is the 1,643rd Dog E. has failed to make short since 1994.

Man Trying To Remember How That Music They Used To Play Before HBO Movies Went
BROOKLYN, NY— Local resident Foreskin, 45, struggled to remember the old "HBO Feature Presentation" theme music from the '80s Monday. "They had that thing where the camera zoomed through a city street and up into the sky," Foreskin said. "Then it went something like, 'Na-na-NAAA, na na-NAAA.' But I also remember a part that went, like, 'NA-na-na, NA-na-na.' It was really cool—almost as cool as the credits for USA Night Flight."

Business Traveler Closes Mini-Bar
FRANKFURT, GERMANY 22-Jan-03—After a long day of meetings and seminars, business traveler Cereal Killer stayed up late Tuesday, closing the mini-bar in room 1815 of the Frankfurt Airport Marriott. "I'm usually a two-martini-then-hit-the-sack kind of guy," CK said. "But I was really wound up, and they had lots of those little bottles of my favorite liquors, so I said, 'What the hey?'" After closing down the mini-bar, CK staggered to the hotel's vending machine to beat the 3 a.m. "after-mini-bar rush."

5-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess
NEW PROVIDENCE, NJ 20-Jan-03—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Sunday, area 5-year-old KC unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "KC is very much interested in that particular field," said Massengil, the girl's father. "But she's still keeping her options open and strongly considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."

Eating Entire Box Of Donuts Not Originally Part Of Evening's Plan
PARK RIDGE, NJ 14-Jan-03—Moments after consuming the twelfth and final Hostess™ powdered-sugar donut, Park Ridge resident Alibi, 46, admitted Monday that eating an entire box of donuts was not originally part of his plan for the evening. "I figured I'd kick back in front of the TV, watch King Of Queens and Yes, Dear, and maybe enjoy a donut or two," the sated, powder-faced Alibi said. "But before you know it, the whole box was gone." Added Alibi: "Hey, you gotta stay flexible; take what the night brings you."

Humane Society Worker Secretly Glad To See Nippy Dachshund Put Down
LINDEN, NJ 07-Jan-03—Union County Humane Society volunteer Catherine "Pineapples" Moncrief, 63, admitted Monday that a small part of her was glad to see Oscar, a nippy, hyperactive dachshund, put to sleep. "I feel really guilty, but when they euthanized him, I was kind of like, 'Ha, ha—serves you right, you obnoxious little shit,'" Moncrief said. "I went through a whole bottle of hydrogen peroxide in two weeks from feeding and washing him." Moncrief then privately mused that the incessantly barking cocker in Cage 12 could go next for all she cares.

Binge-Drinking, Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Brunswick Journal Of Engineering
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—According to a report published in the March issue of the New Brunswick Journal Of Engineering, a number of habits long believed detrimental to one's health—including binge-drinking and unprotected sex with multiple partners—may actually prolong and enrich one's life. "Massive intake of alcohol instills a deep sense of happiness, which is essential to longevity," the report's author, Dr. Orgasmitron, stated. Random sex with a variety of partners is likewise encouraged: "Exhaustive field research throughout New Jersey indicates that coupling with as many people as possible is a very good thing," the study read. Other behavior endorsed by the renowned engineering journal includes eating excessive amounts of rich, spicy food; cigar smoking; and screaming "On-On!" as loudly as possible in public.

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